News Flash: The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from The Tyree

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Sentimental fool that I am, a recent change in my son’s extracurricular activities was like an early Christmas gift.

Gideon has joined the staff of his school’s newly launched (online) newspaper, the Cornersville (TN) High School “Paw Prints.”

Since I cut my journalistic eyeteeth at my junior high, high school and college newspapers, Gideon’s decision was heart-warming – and much safer than two klutzy individuals seeking father-son bonding via athletic roughhousing. (“Don’t panic – I remember reading a book that tells what to do if you get a football caught in your esophagus… “)

I’m so proud. Gideon is following in his old man’s footprints (or following in his old man’s SLIME TRAIL, depending on your opinion of the press).

When I was a campus writer, we journalism nerds viewed ourselves as budding Woodwards and Bernsteins. No one could take away our First Amendment rights to inform the public. The band nerds could take away our LUNCH MONEY, but no one could take away our First Amendment rights to inform the public.

For the first issue of “Paw Prints,” Gideon has contributed a witty essay about obscure December holidays, as well as the first installment of a painstakingly drawn comic strip about a dystopian future. And not the usual teenager dystopian future. (“What? I’ll someday have to pay my own phone bill and cable bill? What terrorist nation caused this?”)

Gideon stays abreast of the political scene, but someone else was assigned to write the opinion piece. I expect a lot from Cornersville editorial writers, but not every school promotes such lively debate. (“Whatever.” “I was, like, whatever FIRST.” “You’re LITERALLY making my whatever explode… “)

I hope faculty advisers will adhere to strict journalistic ethics and not be pushovers, like some teachers are in the classroom. (“Teacher, I was technically incorrect with that scoop about the cafeteria lady being a former KG–assassin, but don’t I get bonus points for this cool font?”)

I hope the staff realizes just how wonderful today’s resources are. When I look back at my printed school newspapers, I realize they were saddled with bulky paragraphs, tiny print and watered-down ink. It’s interesting to contrast my generation’s two main sources of breaking news: the bathroom wall (“For a good time, call Drusilla”) and the student newspaper (“For herniated retinas, read the newspaper”).

With online publication, the staff can update scores or make retractions in a timely fashion. No more gossip columns being comically out of date by the time they reach the public. Of course, modern couples present their own problems. (“Well, yeah, like Jenny dumped me; but I still IDENTIFY as being her main squeeze.”)

With online publication, the staff has the luxury of sharing almost-unlimited amounts of crisp, color digital photographs and even spicing up the pages with audio and video. (Back in the day, the only audio was the sound of 500 students murmuring, “Trees had to die to print Tyree’s crap?”)

I can imagine investigative reporters capturing incriminating admissions in the teachers’ lounge. (“Yeah, I get massive injections of Botox, so I can keep a straight face when I tell the students how Captain Ahab will be useful to them in the Real World.”)

Best wishes to budding journalists at Cornersville and everywhere. You may never get rich; but, then, there’s less chance of somebody mugging you with a tuba.

Copyright 2018 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.

Danny Tyree welcomes e-mail at [email protected].