Parents, Do You Know Where Your Love Letters Are?

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Maybe I shouldn’t share something so personal with the world, but… my love affair with books continues unabated.

I’ve just finished Willie Nelson’s autobiography (“It’s A Long Story”) and Lebanon Levi’s “Amish Confidential.” I’m already up to the post-World War II section of “Even This I Get To Experience,” the memoir of nonagenarian TV producer Norman Lear.

And next? I’ve stumbled across a 2007 book by Bill Shapiro that certainly gives me that Come Hither look: “Other People’s Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant To See.”

Oh, yeah, my inner voyeur is panting over the prospects of diving into such a salacious volume. If the publisher had emblazoned “Wet Paint” across the cover, it would have been just icing on the cake.

But I’m not quite ready to commit to the book. My inner voyeur has to share room with my inner arsonist and my inner jaywalker and my inner vagrant and my inner polka dancer and all the rest. (“Ow! Get your elbow out of my eye. And who had beans and cabbage for lunch? Inner arsonist, don’t think of lighting that match!”)

Reviews for Shapiro’s book found many of the exchanges cute or sweet, but let’s not overlook the “guilty” in the “guilty pleasure” aspect of such a project.

Deep down, most of us realize that someday someone else will be boldly remodeling our family’s beloved home and total strangers will be walking their dogs near our graves. But we don’t necessarily think about some flea marketeer or demolition team perusing all the pet names, sweet nothings, sappy sentiments and crazy dreams in our courtship correspondence.

We hate to throw out the potentially embarrassing letters because we always think we’ll have one last chance to dispose of them before we’re dead or incapacitated. We procrastinate about burning them, in case we find a convenient rainy afternoon and can haul them out of the attic to do some romantic reminiscing. (“Those smells bring back memories, don’t they, honey? For instance, that perfume is… my sister’s brand!! Okay, are you going for dead or incapacitated, Romeo?”)

Of course, some letters would be embarrassing just for how stiff, restrained and BORING they are. (“What happens at a closely chaperoned church function stays at a closely chaperoned church function!”)

You know what I’m talking about. Some letters make it sound like the couples had buckets of flat latex paint listed on their wedding gift registry. (“Oooo, if the hotel doesn’t catch us, we can watch it DRY on our honeymoon!”)

Love letters (and letters in general) are a dying artform. We can only hope that someday a taciturn citizen who typically lets his sex robot scan his embedded barcode for instructions will try something retro. (“Z7BG3, I want you to call me Sugar Lips and talk really dirty about that black-and-white analog TV factory your parents are going to set us up with!”)

In conclusion, just put some thought into what becomes of your old love letters. Hey, if you really want to prank future generations, get rid of the originals and replace them with clever forgeries.

“Sis, you won’t believe this! We were conceived on either the Nina, the Pinta or the Santa Maria! Wait, that doesn’t sound right. I wish I had spent more time listening in history class instead of writing timeless love texts to What’s-Her-Name.”

Copyright 2018 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.

Danny Tyree welcomes e-mail at [email protected].