Self-Service Where Does It Go From Here

by Danny Tyree on June 27, 2018

Self-Service: Where Does It Go From Here?

Sure, you’re long-accustomed to schlepping through crowded lines at fast-food chains (a.k.a. “your friendly neighborhood hospice care center for condiment dispensers”) and have grudgingly accepted self-check-out lanes in major retailers (“from the Nobel Prize-worthy humanitarians who convinced you that 15 ounces is so much more convenient than 16 ounces”); but are you ready for a decline in service at fancier restaurants?

As a keen observer of social trends (and a keen observer of which slowpokes I can wiggle ahead of in an all-you-can-eat buffet line), I couldn’t resist reading the New York Times article headlined “San Francisco Restaurants Can’t Afford Waiters. So They’re Putting Diners to Work.”

Yes, rising commercial rents, escalating labor costs and prohibitively expensive housing (“Good help is hard to find – unless you know somebody who knows somebody who’s living in a van down by the river”) have left many upscale restaurants in San Francisco (and other trendy cities) turning service responsibilities over to the formerly pampered customers.

The cuisine, de © cor and wine lists may remain impeccable; but diners are expected to fetch their own silverware, pour their own drink refills, clean up their own tables and write their own racist/sexist/fat-shaming slurs on the check. (“Honey, how do you spell that thing the angry trucker called me last week? Seems like the sort of thing our hypothetical waiter would call me behind my back. Hmph! See if HE gets more than a 15 percent tip!”)

I doubt the lowered expectations can remain confined to just a handful of cities. The New Normal may be coming to your town soon. Instead of banners breezily cajoling, “Try the new appetizers,” get ready for banners brusquely declaring, “Try abandoning hope, all ye who enter here.”

Don’t feel unappreciated. If they weren’t so short-handed, the managers would surely tell you, “Thank you for splurging and dining at a sit-down restaurant. Speaking of sitting down, you might want to assemble this package from IKEA… ”

This trend probably puts your great-aunt Gertie into a tizzy, albeit one influenced by rose-colored glasses. (“Sure, having someone pump your gas was a given in the Good Old Days. But I can remember when laundry day meant the milkman and Rock Hudson would fight for the chance to fold your towels!”)

If anyone actually deigns to greet you at the door, it will probably be with “Party of six? Good! You can outnumber and intimidate the vegetable vendor out back and get us a better deal on kale.”

So far, the cutbacks aren’t affecting the kitchen; but conditions can change in a hurry. If you manage to snag one of the lonesome servers zigzagging through the establishment, you might hear the admonishment, “No, no – the candle isn’t for romantic effect. You’ll, uh, need to wave your steak over it for 20 or 30 minutes while making chitchat.”

Or perhaps “Yes, we promised twelve courses: soup, salad, entre © e, dessert, a course on exterminating rodents, a course on exterminating cockroaches… ”

Let’s just hope simple cost-cutting doesn’t crossbreed with other causes.

“Sure, you can see a children’s menu, assuming you print it yourself and plant a tree in a sustainable forest to make up for the paper. And we’ll need to see documentation of sterilization, so you don’t bring any MORE charming rugrats into existence. Hey, that’s a nasty thing to text to Yelp and the Nobel committee… ”

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Copyright 2018 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.

Danny Tyree welcomes e-mail at [email protected].