Can You Survive Without Reading These 21 Books?

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Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

Not everyone appreciates being told to “chill out” about unmet goals.

According to USA TODAY, “GQ” magazine has ignited a firestorm on social media by publishing an article titled “21 Books You Don’t Have To Read.”

Yes, Ernest Hemingway’s “A Farewell To Arms,” J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings,” Joseph Heller’s “Catch-22,” J.D. Salinger’s “The Catcher In The Rye” and other classics of Western Civilization are dismissed as expendable, out-of-date and/or boring.

“GQ,” of course, is the latest incarnation of the venerable “Gentlemen’s Quarterly.” Apparently, a gentleman’s duties now include opening the door for a lady, dressing appropriately and making fun of the idiots who don’t realize that Mark Twain’s “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” wouldn’t have been so “meandering” if Huck had invested in one of those cool “must have” GPS devices profiled in “GQ.”

Although I’ve been overwhelmed by the flood of books breathlessly touting all the destinations, foods, wines, symphonies, etc. that one simply MUST experience before kicking off, the “GQ” article still sounds more than a tad whiney, as the elitist editors fret about a lifetime of being bullied into reading the canon of Great Books.

Although I sometimes have twinges of self-doubt about my literary laziness, these guys must have some really weird bullies in their neighborhoods. (“Gimme your lunch money! Then read a satire involving Lilliputians! Then let me dunk your head in the toilet!”)

(The “GQ” editors are giving us their professional opinion on literary priorities, but they’re AMATEURS when compared to my mother. She could compile a list of 50,000 books you don’t have to read before you die, especially if there are lawns to mow or lurid newscasts to watch. Bless her, she drove me to the public library TWICE that first glorious day I got my library card; but ever since she graduated from high school, she thinks the freedoms listed in the First Amendment are “freedom from pencils,” “freedom from books” and “freedom from teacher’s dirty looks.”)

A lot of the attention the “GQ” list has attracted on social media centers around calling the Bible “foolish, repetitive and contradictory.” I’ll leave others to defend the Good Book. There’s plenty to say about other prejudices displayed in the article.

For instance, not only did Larry McMurtry’s “Lonesome Dove” make the list, but the whole cowboy mythos is derided as “a major factor in the degradation of America.” Yeah, who needs incentive-sapping entitlement programs and broken homes to run the nation into the ground, when we have cattle drives and stage coaches?

Certainly, the country would be so much better off if John Wayne had sported a man-bun and growled, “MOISTURIZE when you say that, pardner.”

I know they think they’re performing some great public service, but the editors of “GQ” are really just the “meddling momma” of magazines. You know the enabling routine: “You mean that shrew of a wife you married instead of the nice Abernathy girl won’t let you eat triple-grease burgers? Well, Mama’s kitchen is always open.”

I don’t expect the “dressing down” in social media to stop “GQ.” They’ll probably take perverse pride in their recklessness and brainstorm sequel articles.

I can see it now. “21 Product Warnings You Don’t Have To Read Before You Die.” “21 Traffic Signs You Can Ignore At Your Leisure.” “21 Odd Mole Shapes You’ll Laugh About Later… ”

Copyright 2018 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.

Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock."

Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers.

Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998.

Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon.

Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps.

Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper.

Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998.

Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana.

Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

Bringing the formerly self-syndicated "Tyree's Tyrades" to Cagle Cartoons is part of Tyree's mid-life crisis master plan. Look for things to get even crazier if you use his columns.

Danny Tyree welcomes e-mail at [email protected].