A Plague of Dems

by Will Durst on February 26, 2019

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Democrats applying to be their party’s next presidential nominee constitute the second largest growth industry in America surpassed only by those providing legal advice to Trump Administration staffers. It’s a number climbing to where it might be easier to list those currently not planning a run. And no, we can’t rule out Jimmy Carter, Anthony Weiner or Lyndon Johnson.

Holy moley catfish, there’s a ton of them. Scads. Gobs. Reams. Oodles. A raft. A mob. A plethora. A profusion. An abundance. Veritable boatloads. Some might say a rash of candidates. A plague or even an epidemic.

We’re still a year out from the Iowa Caucuses, with the first debate not scheduled to start serious internecine squabbling until June. According to Ballotpedia, 192 Democrats have officially entered the 2020 contest for the White House including a guy named Cohen Eden Solutionator. 11 are considered authentic, but many more big names are poised to leap into this liberal scrum like lemmings off a cliff with a 60 mph wind at their backs.

The presidency of Donald Trump has resuscitated a term popular back in the early 20th century – “Yellow Dog Democrats.” Those are voters who would rather elect a saffron colored canine than a Republican. You know, like California.

Many Dems would vote for the Solutionator, his pet ferret or a child’s beach pail full of wet sand, if they thought any would have a chance to deny the New York City real estate developer a second term. A banana faced monkey dribbler. A reeking heap of steaming feces. Because it would be their reeking heap of steaming feces. As opposed to the reeking heap of steaming feces currently soiling Oval Office furniture.

With no front-runner, the field is more wide open than a condo complex at Chernobyl. Hillary Clinton is such old news, her S’s look like F’s. New Jersey Senator Cory Booker is running as a feistier sequel to Obama. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren may be the candidate the president fears the most since she’s the only one with a nickname. So far.

Hawaii Representative Tulsi Gabbard, South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar just want people to pronounce their names correctly. Julian Castro needs separation from his twin brother. Sherrod Brown, Michael Bloomberg, Beto O’Rourke and some guy named Joe are biding their time and former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper gets points for being fun to say.

Kamala Harris is a woman, half Jamaican and half Indian. If only she were lesbian suffering from bipolar issues who owned an anxiety peacock, she’d be perfect. The California senator survived the curse of being referred to as the front-runner for about a minute until Bernie Sanders threw his hat into the ring. Well, near the ring. His aim isn’t what it used to be.

In this race, the Vermont senator will have to share his far left lane. He might not even be the most socialist candidate, which is the seam Mister Trump looks ready to attack. And attack he will.

After all Bernie blazed the trail and energized that part of the party that thinks Karl Marx was too middle of the road. But we can say with the upmost certainty the Bernmeister will retain the mantle of crankiest candidate. I’m pretty sure his campaign website is heyyoupunksgetoffmylawn.com.

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Copyright 2019, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Will Durst

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

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