Raging Moderate

One thing we should all be grateful for this year is that Thanksgiving is making its annual appearance at the earliest possible point on the 22nd. And it could not come at a better time, conveniently laying down a soft muffling blanket of brightly colored leaves over the scorched ruts of one of the most contentious elections in our nation’s history. Thanksgiving this year comes 712 days before the next most contentious election in our nation’s history, one that officially kicked off on Wednesday, November 7.

The fourth thursday of November is the best of American holidays, a non-denominational feast of friends, family, food and football featuring six-story helium balloons on rope tethers jousting with lampposts. Where’s the bad? The first sanctioned appearance of Santa, for crum’s sakes.

And we do have much to be thankful for. 712 days until the next election for one thing. Also, we can’t forget to mention all the everyday ordinary objects, people and events that fill our lives and normally slide by unnoticed as we go about the important business of earning a living and carving out a future. Like the store-bought pumpkin pie topped by canned whipped cream that is undoubtedly the real culprit for the hour nap striking down the entire family after dinner.

So, unless you’re a large fowl that has recently been force-fed a glut of high protein grain then crowded down a path towards a big metal machine making scary swooshing noises, there is much to be thankful.

We, the Board of Directors at Durstco Industries, are thankful:

– For the fact that the Pilgrims chose to celebrate on a Thursday providing their descendants with a unique 4 day weekend to kick off the Christmas shopping season

– For spoonfuls of peanut butter right out of the jar.

– For the State of Florida. Can’t drive. Can’t count. All right Florida, we’ve had it. Time to circumcise America. Just cut it off at the Georgia border and kick it into the Caribbean. 49 states. Works even better on the flag. Seven rows of seven stars.

– For Donald Trump’s unceasing efforts to provide daily comedic fodder on an hourly basis. Minutely.

– For being alive during the Platinum Age of television.

– For Turner Classic Movies’ obsession with early Barbara Stanwyck movies.

– For a wife who understands that any decision made before the consumption of a third cup of coffee is not binding by custom or law.

– For perfectly turned, 6-4-3 double plays on bright summer afternoons with a Sheboygan brat in one hand and a cold Anchor Steam in the other.

– For Thomas Jefferson who presciently predicted that America gets the leaders it deserves.

– For Shake Shack now having 194 locations.

– For Robert Mueller’s patience, perseverance, persistence and perspicacity.

– For Jim Acosta, because you need a blunt instrument to counter other blunt instruments.

– For Aunt Lee’s lime Jell-O with carrot shreds and Aunt Hoogolah’s Dupamouche.

– For Chris Christie. Love him or hate him, he’s not going away and is too big to fail.

– And finally, for the Newly Elected 116th Congress. Now that Democrats control the House, it’ll be interesting to see who they have bigger fights with: the GOP or themselves.

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Copyright 2018, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.