All the President’s Con Men

by Will Durst on August 28, 2018

Raging Moderate

It’s almost impossible to measure the corruption surrounding Donald Trump these days. It is huuuuuge covering the White House with a blanket of sleaze deep enough to bury the six-foot three-inch unindicted Oval Office co-conspirator to the point he’s going to need a two-foot length of bamboo to continue breathing.

His legal problems are growing like mold on the northwest corner of a Hawaiian greenhouse wall. Proliferating like that plastic garbage patch in the Pacific. In the same state of flourishment as dandelions after a week of thunderstorms on a southern Illinois compost heap.

Paul Manafort was found guilty on five counts of tax fraud, two counts of bank fraud and one count of failure to disclose a foreign bank account. A single jury member was responsible for deadlocking the 10 other counts, and somehow all 12 let the defendant totally slide on his incredibly bad taste, incredibly ignoring a $15,000 ostrich-skin jacket and a haircut stolen from Gordon Gekko.

At almost the exact same moment, Michael Cohen pled guilty to eight felonies, implicating the president in two of them. He received a plea agreement and is rumored to be making plans to testify against the president. They’re turning on Trump like preschoolers on a pinata with a rack full of Louisville Sluggers.

One of the normal procedures for urging cooperation from co-conspirators is to offer leniency to culpable family members. And considering the lies and misdirections and conflicted testimony already in play, even Tiffany and Barron are probably seeking outside representation. The family that commits crime together, serves time together.

And knowing the 45th POTUS’s philosophy of one-way loyalty, the only accommodation he’s likely to make is to dedicate an entire cell-block at a federal facility for members of staff and family. He’d probably try to brand it by calling it the Trump Wing. The next family get-together is bound to feature looks as auspicious as the last shots of the season finale of a telenovela.

These were not mere junior staffers who shared the ignominy of attaining convicted felon status on the same day, but Donald Trump’s former campaign manager and personal lawyer. MAGA now stands for Many Are Growing Anxious or My Attorney Got Arrested or Mueller Ain’t Going Away.

In response, our mob boss president railed against the prosecutorial strategy. “It’s called flipping and it almost should be illegal” then called Cohen “a rat” while praising Manafort as still being “a good man.” He predictably resorted to his trusty Rainman refrain, “No collusion. No collusion.” He’s starting to sound like a broken parrot, but bearing his teeth like a cornered wolverine.

Meanwhile, in San Diego, the second congressman to endorse Trump’s campaign, Duncan Hunter, was indicted on 60 federal charges, following in the footsteps of the first congressman to endorse Trump, Christopher Collins, also indicted by the feds. Don’t know who the third congressman to endorse Trump was, but chances are high he’s looking over his shoulder about once every six seconds.

All this proves is not only was Trump unable to pick the best people, he couldn’t even pick the best crooks. He keeps choosing crummy criminals. We can expect Bob Woodward’s book on this one to be titled “.”

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Copyright 2018, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.

Will Durst

Comedy For People Who Read Or Know Someone Who Does

As the sacred cows set themselves up for slaughter each night at six, America cries out for a man with the aim, strength and style to swat the partisan political piñatas upside their heads. Will Durst is that man. Sweeping both sides of the aisle with a quiver full of barbs sharpened by a keen wit and dipped into the same ink as the day's headlines, Durst transcends political ties, performing at events featuring Vice President Al Gore and former President George H.W. Bush, also speaking at the Governors Conference and the Mayors Convention cementing his claim as the nation's ultimate equal opportunity offender. Outraged and outrageous, Durst may mock and scoff and taunt, but he does it with taste.

A Midwestern baby boomer with a media-induced identity crisis, Durst has been called "a modern day Will Rogers" by The L.A. Times while the S. F. Chronicle hails him as "heir apparent to Mort Sahl and Dick Gregory." The Chicago Tribune argues he's a "hysterical hybrid of Hunter Thompson and Charles Osgood," although The Washington Post portrays him as "the dark Prince of doubt." All agree Durst is America's premier political comic.

As American as a bottomless cup of coffee, this former Milwaukeean is cherished by critics and audiences alike for the common sense he brings to his surgical skewering of the hype and hypocrisies engulfing us on a daily basis. Busier than a blind squirrel neck deep in an almond sorting warehouse, Durst writes a weekly column, was a contributing editor to both National Lampoon and George magazines and continues to pen frequent contributions to various periodicals such as The New York Times and his hometown San Francisco Chronicle.

This five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

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