No Oscar Host? No Problem!

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It seems this year’s Academy Awards will be conducted using a no-host format, now that Kevin Hart and his dossier of homophobic wisecracks have been officially ruled out.

This might be a good thing, starting with the fact that a no-host ceremony will be mercifully shorter. Previous Oscar shows have dragged on well beyond a reasonable bedtime – like a Monday Night Football game with 39 penalties, 54 commercials and overtime.

Nominations will be announced Jan. 22 and the Academy should use the occasion to confirm not only the no-host policy but also these additional no-nos.

No Politics. Insist that presenters and winners avoid all political references. If they mention Trump don’t play music, just cut their mics and move on.

No Notes. Winners should not be allowed to feign surprise while pulling out a lengthy written list of people to thank. You’re a Hollywood professional for goodness sake! If you can’t adlib a few thank-yous maybe moviemaking isn’t the right job for you.

No Sharing. We get it: the losers in your category all did good work – after all, they were nominated for an Oscar. But don’t pretend you’d like to “share” your award with them.

No Families. Leave your parents, your wife and your kids out of it. Above all, don’t use one of the biggest showbiz events of the year to tell Johnny and Suzie that “it’s ok to go to bed now.”

No Sobbing. Sure, you’re overwhelmed. Get a grip.

No Plugs. This is not the time to tell us about your next project, or that you just signed a first-look deal with Netflix.

No Gimmicks. The Golden Globes set a record for asininity by pretending to give flu shots to celebs in the audience. Spare us the sophomoric humor, please.

No Teases. Skip the announcer pitches for what’s coming next; we all know we have to wait three hours for the big awards. And don’t say, “Only ABC!” before each of the three dozen commercial breaks.

With these minor adjustments the 2019 Oscars could be really boffo.

Remember, the Academy has already wised up by backing away from its idiotic plan to award a “Most Popular” Oscar.

We should all get to sleep at a reasonable hour Feb. 24, except of course for the winners and near-winners who will cavort long into the night at Hollywood’s many After-Oscar parties, where the only change that would not be tolerated is a No-Host bar.

A list of Peter Funt’s upcoming live appearances is available at www.CandidCamera.com.

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com.Copyright2019 Peter Funt. Columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate.

In print and on television, Peter Funt continues the Funt Family tradition of making people smile – while examining the human condition.

After 15 years hosting the landmark TV series “Candid Camera,” Peter writes frequent op-eds for The Boston Globe and The Wall Street Journal.

Peter is a frequent speaker before business groups and on college campuses, using the vast “Candid Camera” library to bring his points to life. His newest presentation for corporate audiences, “The Candid You,” draws upon decades of people-watching to identify factors that promote better communication and productivity.

In addition to his hidden-camera work, Peter Funt has produced and hosted TV specials on the Arts & Entertainment and Lifetime cable networks. He also spent five years as an editor and reporter with ABC News in New York.

Earlier in his career, Peter wrote dozens of articles for The New York Times and TV Guide about television and film. He was editor and publisher of the television magazine On Cable. And he authored the book "Gotcha!" for Grosset & Dunlap on the lost art of practical joking.